


Lockdown Losers

by ricky_spanish



Category: Chapo Trap House (Podcast)
Genre: COVID, M/M, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:42:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23574070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ricky_spanish/pseuds/ricky_spanish
Summary: This is what happens when I see 500 "wheres virgil" posts on reddit, and my life has turned into an indecipherable mashup of covid fever dreams, podcasts, and zoom meetings. I hate myself too.This story explores the question, "where IS Virgil?" and the answer is no one should fucking read this, and I am maybe the last person who should ever be asked about this guy's whereabouts.
Relationships: Felix Biederman/Virgil Texas
Comments: 11
Kudos: 15





	1. Vape Nation, Sucker.

I'm out of vape juice. The city's basically on lockdown, and let's be honest--I shouldn't go out, like, just my hygiene habits alone would make it a fucking miracle that I haven't picked up the virus already, and the nonstop shitstorm that's only recently _sort of_ subsided basically confirms I have it. _Fuck._ Can't just go down to the bodega without the risk of some innocent uncle in a Mets cap leaning in to tell me all about the time he saw _Newsies_ on Broadway. Wind up killing the guy. 

Virgil would tell me to order it onli--

_No, not going down that road_. Well, maybe I go down the buy-online road, seeing as I'm supposed to be quarantining. 

But then it won't get here until tomorrow. And no uncle would lean in to tell me about some musical number...that's the type of stuff that only happens to Will or Virg--

_No._ I doubt Amazon's doing same-day delivery right now. Oh, _fuck_ they may not even be doing two-day delivery right now! So if I order now, it might not be---

_Buzz, buzz._

Notification. Text from Will. Guess I should probably deal with this now. Alright, let's see. 

_Will:_

_I was thinking we should do the pod by call on Tuesday._

I start to feel a gnawing feeling in my stomach knowing I really won't be leaving this apartment any time soon. And maybe I feel kind of fucking lonely right now.

And maybe I wouldn't feel like that if I'd--

No, I'm not doing this right now. I'll wallow later.

_Me:_

_Gonna be a yeet from me_

_Will:_

_In order for Amber to be on the episode, we'd have to meet after 1. Was thinking 2? Would that work?_

_Me:_

_Dope, sounds good_

_Will:_

_Have you heard from Virgil?_

I groan out loud at that because _fuck_ , I don't want to talk to Will about this right now. Nothing against Will, I just…

_Me:_

_Not today_

_Will:_

_When did you last talk to him?_

_Me:_

_Bout a week ago_

_Will:_

_Matt's tried contacting him and he's not answering his phone. Could you call him? Like just check in on him?_

_Me:_

_Im probsbly the last person he wants to talk to rn_

_Will:_

_Someone should check in on him. Just incase. Come on dude, you know he'll answer if its you._

I'm not nearly as confident as Will is that he'll answer answer a call from me. But he has a point. Like that we should probably check in and make sure he hasn't gone and choked on his own toenails or something.

_Will:_

_Matt's worried he's got the rona. He's also pretty mad at him, but then I think he got worried it's the rona._

_Me:_

_When isnt matt worried and angry_

_And i probabaly have corona, tell matt to worry bout me_

_Will:_

_Felix, come on man._

_Me:_

_Yeah, fine I'll call him. Just give me a little bit, need to make some coffee_

_Will:_

_Ok, thanks._

Fuck me, looks like plan don't-think-about-Virgil is off. Alright, coffee. Coffee first. Coffee first, and I'll order that vape juice, and--

Yeah, fuck it, we're all thinking it: Amber left a bunch of those black n' milds here, like, six months ago and I never throw anything out...they got to be in here somewhere. 

Yes, I know how gross that is. I'm a gross person. I'm getting annoyed you're not hearing that.

I dump the old grinds, and put in a new filter. I eyeball the coffee because who can be bothered to have clean spoons right now? And alright, coffee brewing, get my headphones (thank fuck I charged them last night), and we'll do the _Pump up_ playlist because I could use some pumping right now. 

Oh, that sounds gross.

Ok, nasty black n' milds...where would I put those? No, no, they wouldn't be in that. No, n-- _oh_ , I totally remember! I put them in that fanny pack I got Virgil as a bit, and he wouldn't take the thing home, so...closet. 

I pace over there, and fuck yeah! Still here! Stale, sure, but fuck it. 

Oh _coronas a respiratory infection_ ? Yeah, I think I _know_ that. Please spare me the middle class morality shit. 

I light up inside, which I think is fine since we're in quarantine, right? It's, like, good for public health, probably. 

Ok, coffee mug, coffee mu--

Oh, _fuck_ , these things taste like shit! Why does Amber _smoke_ these? Or used to, I guess. Haven't seen her smoke in a minute. 

Alright, coffee mug. Got it. And just gonna drink this black because I'm kind of a bad boy like that. 

Ok, yeah I can't keep smoking this thing. I smother it out on the edge of the sink and lean it on the counter like you would a butter knife if you're thinking _yeah, I might have another sandwich later, might not, haven't decided_. 

Ok, call Virgil or order the vape juice? Maybe Virgil would help me order--

No, that's ridiculous. Wishful thinking. _Weird_ wishful thinking, at that. But maybe I should call him first? It's not like he's even gonna answer. 

I stare at his contact before taking a huge gulp of coffee. It burns my sore throat.

I hit call. 

It rings once and then goes silent. "Uh, hello?"

"What the fuck do you want?" 

"Missed you too, babe."

He makes a noise of irritation. "Don't fucking call me that."

"Ok. Sorry." I'm quiet for a few moments. 

"Well if that's all, I'm hanging--"

"Wait, no, Virgil!"

" _What?"_

"Well…" My mind draws a blank, unable to remember why I'm doing this. Why I'm calling him. As usual, my mouth takes over despite my brain lagging a bit behind. "Did you miss me?"

"What kind of _fucking_ question is that, Felix?"

"The yes-or-no kind?"

He's silent for a moment. "You still sick?"

"It comes and goes, but I'm feeling pretty solid right now."

"Is that a poop joke?"

"Yup."

He exhales loudly. "Alright, well if that's all, I--"

"I miss you."

"Felix, I can't do this right now." He doesn't sound mad so much as exhausted. 

It makes me feel panicky. "Please don't hang up," I beg. 

He sighs, but stays on the line.

"I just...can't we talk?"

"About _what_?"

" _You_ know."

He makes a laughing noise that's more angry-sounding than anything. "Where were you looking to start? Like how the idea of dating me and _telling_ people that was just so _embarrassing_ to--"

"I told our _friends_ . Just, I don't know, why do we have to tell _fans_ ?" I run a hand through my hair, getting worried he's gonna try to hang up again. "I was never _embarrassed_ of you."

He scoffs. "We're _so_ far past that being a relevant argument, asshole." 

I stand up and start pacing back and forth in front of the couch. "That's fair--"

" _None_ of this is fair you fucking--" He cuts himself off, calming himself down. "I'm not doing this."

"Please don't hang up! I'm sorry. I'm _sorry_ bab--Virgil. I fucked up. I know I fucked up. I'm--we can tell everyone. We could announce it on--"

" _Fuck you_ , Felix. What, did that girl not call you back? Is that what this is?"

"Nothing happened! I told you, _nothing happened_. Please, honey, you have to--"

" _Don't_ call me that."

My eyes are starting to sting, and my throat feels stiff. " _Please._ "

"Felix, you were flirting with some fan of yours. I'm not _fucking_ stupid. You were terrified about saying anything on the pod, you got weird if I even referred to our _thing_ as dating, and I find out you're messaging this hot chick all this cutesy shit. You didn't want her to know you were seeing anyone! I'm not a complete--"

"I'll tell her we're dating! _Please,_ hon--Virgil, I'm--"

"We're _not_ dating."

Fuck, now the waterworks have officially started. "Please, just--"

"I'm hanging up."

" _No_ , fuck you, let me talk!"

"Fine. Be brief."

"Anger really brings out the wonk in you, I've--"

"Felix!"

"Ok, yeah, sorry. And you were right. I like attention too much. It's a problem. The girl just starting saying nice stuff to me, telling me I'm funny, and I _liked_ it, and was encouraging it, but that's _not_ why I didn't want to say we were dating on air--"

"We were _never_ dating."

I let out a sob before getting it together. "Don't say that!"

"We weren't!"

"We've been sleeping together for months! Our friends all know we're, like, a thing."

"Our friends knew we _were_ fucking because that's all it was!"

"You talked about moving in together!"

" _You're_ the one that was weird about 'labeling it,' or some shit. Don't get mad at _me_ for saying we weren't dating when--"

"I haven't said that in _months_. And we use pet names, and I joked on the show that I'd be the girlfriend! Do you remember that?"

"I remember you making some joke about being the girlfriend, but you sure as shit didn't mention _me._ "

"So you _do_ listen to episodes you're not on!"

"Yeah, it's kind of my _job,_ Felix, of course I listen to them."

"Did you listen to my recent one? My solo one?"

He's quiet for a moment. "That makes it sound like you're doing solo porn."

"No it doesn't, you just watch too much porn."

"I really _don't._ If anything _you_ watch too much porn."

"Is that why you're breaking up with me?"

"Again, we were never dating."

I swipe at my cheeks, annoyed that they're wet. I also feel oddly relieved that he's not confirming a break up...even if it is because he's saying there's nothing to break. Not wanting to push it, I double back. "So did you listen to the solo ep?"

He's silent for a moment. "You really _are_ like an attention whore. You know that, right?"

"I have attention deficit disorder."

"I'm not--" he groans. "You stole that joke."

"It's still funny," I reason. 

He sighs. "Yeah, I listened to your stupid-long review of the first two episodes of _This is Us_ . And your joke about playing a _This is Us_ slot machine on E1. Which was basically the same joke as every other joke."

"Still funny."

He pauses. "The NBC's _The Slap_ slot machine made me laugh a little, I guess." 

"I didn't make that joke."

"Well that's probably why it was funny."

"Aw, dude, come on."

"How's Andrew?"

"Right. Here I am, asking if you listened to my bullshit, when Andrew is, like, actually saving people."

"Well," he pauses like he's debating saying anything, "I just mean, like, you're probably one of the infected."

"I guess. As far as I know, Andrew hasn't caught it yet."

"Good, good, uh, lot of people in the service industry are dying."

"Not surprising, being around people all day and, like, no PPE."

"Yeah," he sighs, "it's worse than just getting it. It's like there's multiple strains."

"Oh, right, I think I heard that."

"If you're interacting with a bunch of people every day, then you're likely to catch multiple strains."

"Oh," I say, feeling a jolt of panic, "so Andrew…"

"Yeah, even though he's young, if he winds up exposed to multiple strains, it, uh, fatality is much more likely." 

"They're giving nurses trash bags in some hospitals since there's not enough protective gear!"

"I know. And they're not even wearing masks in a lot of grocery stores. 41 transit workers have died so far." 

"Matt predicts no rich person will die of this," I say, pacing quicker now.

"Well I hope he's wrong, but yeah, poor people are going to die a lot more. Like you stuff a million people in a high-rise...yeah, it's gonna spread like wildfire." 

"Do you have symptoms?"

He sighs. "Not as bad as you, but yeah. I figured we caught the same cold, but--"

"It's the virus."

"Did you get tested?"

I snort. "No hospital has the room to test some guy who's healthy enough to be playing Counter-Strike all day."

"Yeah, CDC basically recommended self-care. But our symptoms line-up. I've been seeing all this stuff about gastrointestinal symptoms lately--"

"You've got poopy butt too?!"

"Ya know, it's crazy that girl doesn't want to risk her immune system to come see you. You're so charming," he observes in a neutral tone. 

"You're the only person who's immune system I'd like to compromise, sweetheart."

"Well, success, I guess." 

I take him not yelling, _don't call me that,_ as a win. "Since we're both sick, why don't I come over?" I try.

"You're unbelievable."

"I can make you tea, and suck your toes. Nurse you back to health."

"I'm not as sick as it sounds like you were. And getting my toes sucked would only make me more sick."

"And then I can nurse you back to health!"

"So this is like a Stephen King's _Misery_ thing you're proposing? Hard pass." 

I laugh. "Yeah, I'll get you sick and reliant on me, and then make you produce a _This is Us_ podcast series." 

He hums. "Well, it's been nice hearing from you, Felix. But I got to go."

"What? No! Why?" I pause. "You're in quarantine, it's not like you need to go anywhere."

"You caught me, I don't _have_ to go, I _want_ to."

"But--"

"Felix, has it occured to you that the only reason you miss me is because this pandemic has forced you to be alone?"

"What--"

"That you wouldn't be saying shit like, 'we were dating,' if not for a literal quarantine forcing you inside, forcing you to stay away from the gym and from bars? Like--" he cuts himself off, sighing loudly. "You made it clear you don't _want_ to date me, but now that you're lonely, you're acting like it's all you've ever wanted."

"I didn't--"

"I'm not saying that's even _bad_ or like you're a bad person for it. You're not! But _I_ feel like the psycho-fan from _Misery_ right now...like oh great, now that he's all sad and isolated from his regular emotional support network, he'll agree to date me! Fucking _no_ , Felix. I'm sorry you're sad, but don't make this--"

"Can you let me talk?" I yell before he can finish. The tears are back. _Goddammit._

"Fine," he clips.

"I...that's not _why_ I miss you." I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself down. "And you're talking like I go out every night socializing! I _always_ sit inside and play Counter-Strike all day! My judgement isn't, like, being clouded by loneliness! I just _actually_ miss you. I miss you a _lot_ , and--" my emotional stiff-throat sets off a coughing fit. I bury my face in my elbow, trying to silence them.

"That doesn't sound good," Virgil remarks, sounding concerned. 

I catch my breath. Opening my mouth to speak again, I set off another round of coughing. 

"Dude, drink some water."

Good idea. I run over to the kitchen, grab a glass, and force it under the sink faucet which is made difficult by the huge pile of dishes in the sink. I start chugging the water, feeling it run down the front of my shirt. The coughing finally subsides, leaving my throat feeling raw.

"Felix?"

"Yeah, sorry," I rasp out.

"That, like, _really_ didn't sound good." 

I clear my throat one more time. "My speech or the coughing?" I joke. 

"The coughing," he says, sounding irritable. "Has that been happening a lot?"

"No, I'm," I pause, letting out a short cough, "it's just that I was getting emotional, probably."

"That's not a _thing_ , Felix."

"Eh, clearly it is." I glance over at the sink and notice in my hurry to get water, I must have pushed the black n' mild into an old cereal bowl. "Oh, fucking hell."

"What?"

"Huh? Oh, nothing, just ruined one of those black n' milds. Had it resting on the sink and must have knocked it--"

"You've been smoking _cigars_?"

"They're like mini cigars."

"Fucking--that's why you were coughing your lungs up jackass! You can't smoke cigars. Corona is a literal respiratory infection."

"I only had a few hits! I needed the nicotine. I'm out of vape juice." 

"You're unbelievable."

"So you've said," I say sarcastically. "Besides, I bet you're vaping and drinking right now. Like, currently." 

"That's hardly--"

"Are you?"

"It's none of your business."

"So you are?"

He pauses. "Wine is high in antioxidants, so--"

" _You're_ unbelievable."

"Whatever," he spits. "Stop smoking black n' milds. It's way worse than vaping."

"I'm out of vape juice."

"Well order some online."

"It'll take _days_ to deliver."

"I just...I _so_ badly want to call you lazy for not just walking to the store, but--"

"Quarantine, baby, let's go!"

He groans dramatically. "It's just like I _know_ you wouldn't want to walk to the store even if there weren't a pandemic."

I _giggle_ , which is a horrible noise to hear come out of my own mouth...one that I only make when talking to my sister or Virgil. _Fuck._ "Can I tell you something?" I ask without thinking.

"I'd prefer if you didn't." 

_I'm so fucking stupid in love with you._ "Ok."

"Are you gonna tell me anyways?"

"I want to." My stomach does a flip at the idea of _just going for it_. "But I guess I also really, really don't."

He pauses before taking a deep breath. "Ok, _fine_ , just, yeah. Let's get it over with. What'd you do?"

"Huh?"

"You fucked that girl, I take it? I mean, it's _fine_. Like I said, we weren't dating. Though if that's where you got coronavirus, I'm a little pissed you gave it--"

"Whoah, whoah. _What?_ I didn't--that's not what I was gonna say at--"

" _Felix_ , it's _fine_ . Fuck whoever you want. Or, well, don't do that _now_ with the virus, but--"

"I didn't fuck anybody! What the fuck, Virgil? I was gonna say I love you, you psycho! I--" What I just said hits me, and I go silent. _I'm so fucking stupid_. 

Virgil doesn't say anything, but I can hear the soft sound of his breathing.

"I'm sorry," I mumble. 

"What for?"

"I don't know."

"Oh." 

We sit in silence for a good minute before my loud mouth takes over. "Do you think they'll ever have a limited-time line of _This is Us_ Fortnite skins?" He doesn't answer so I keep going. "I'd pay money for a Kate skin wearing one of those _No Fear_ hoodies. I'd--"

"youcancomeover"

"Uh, what?" I ask confused.

He slows down, but still says it quickly. " _You can come over_." 

A jolt of excitement runs through me, and I start pacing again to do something with my nervous energy. "Really?" 

"Yes, now I'm hanging--"

"Now?"

"Yes--"

I make a hysterical noise of excitement. "Ok!"

"This is _just_ so you can use my vape since I know you'll keep trying to smoke cigars otherwise."

"Uh huh," I say, smiling so hard my cheeks start to ache. I grab my backpack off the floor of my closet and start shoving clothes into it. 

"Ok I'm hanging up now."

I giggle even though he hasn't said anything funny. "I'll be there in ten!"

"Door's unlocked. Ok, bye."

"Bye, baby!" 

  
He pauses like he's about to say, _don't call me that_ , but he doesn't, instead just mumbling a "yeah," before ending the call.


	2. Listen here, Jack.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 2, electric boogaloo.

I run part of the way to Virgil's, until coronavirus and my already limited lung capacity kick in. 

By the time I arrive at his front door, the rush of energy from earlier is entirely replaced with exhaustion. Even though he said he'd leave it unlocked, I bring my fist up and knock on the door. After a moment with no answer, I slowly open it.

"I said it'd be unlocked," he says crankily from the couch. I look over and he's not looking at me, eyes instead transfixed on the tv. "Wash your hands."

I drop my bag on the floor, and do as he says, drying my hands on the thighs of my pants. I glance over and he's still not looking at me "Are you watching _Flapjack_?" I ask. 

"Yeah."

I walk up behind the couch. Virgil's slumped up against the right side of the couch, wearing a white t-shirt and red flannel pajama bottoms. The way he's sitting looks like that one anti-drug campaign from a while back, the one where the teenager melted into the couch. There's three drinks on the coffee table in front of him--a glass of water, a mug of tea, and a mason jar of wine. His hair looks messier than usual, albeit it still looks neater than mine. I rest my hands on the back of the couch, to the left of where Virgil's sitting. "Hi."

"Hi," he says, not turning around. 

I stare at his profile. "Can I sit?"

"By all means."

I climb over the back of the couch and slide in on the right-most cushion. I sit cross-legged facing Virgil. "So," I start. 

He gestures towards the Jule on the coffee table, eyes remaining on the tv.

"I thought you said this show was gross," I remark after a zoom-in a Captain Ka-knuckle's toe fungus.

"It _is_ gross."

"You'd really rather watch Flapjack harvest earwax out of Captain Ka-knuckles ear than look at me?" 

He's silent for a moment before turning to face me. "Happy?" he asks, eyes immediately swiveling back to the screen. 

"Almost never."

That gets him to crack a smile. He crosses his arms over his chest and glances at me again quickly. "You can make coffee if you want."

"I already had some." 

He nods, unfolding his arms. 

I scooch closer so I'm half on the left cushion and half on the middle one. 

He doesn't say anything about it. 

"I missed you," I say. 

"So you've said."

I inch a little closer. "I missed you a lot."

His eyes flicker towards mine for half a second. "Oh."

I slowly reach out for his hand. He doesn't stop me so I interlace our fingers. "Did you miss me?"

"Nope," he says nonchalantly. 

"I don't believe you."

I stroke his knuckles, while his eyes stay glued to the tv. Testing the waters, I lean my head against his shoulder. Which, from this angle, is extremely uncomfortable, but he doesn't push me away so that's a win. 

"You're wearing your glasses," I observe.

"Yeah." 

I slowly lie down, leaning my head in his lap. 

He moves suddenly, letting go of my hand, and I think he's about to jerk away from me. But instead he repositions himself, bringing his feet up to tangle with mine, and wrapping his arms around my shoulders 

I wrap my arms around his waist and dig my head into the crook of his neck, making him twitch, but he doesn't pull away. He smells good. Like soap and mango Jule pods and sweat and red wine. "Smell good," I mumble into his neck. 

"I haven't even showered today."

"Showering every day is weird though," I remark.

He hums. "So you've said." 

I push myself up on my elbows to look down at him. This close, he can't really avoid eye contact. "I love you," I say, not really thinking about it. 

He narrows his eyes at me. "Fuck off."

"Yeah, that's fair," I reason, nuzzling back into his neck. His body's gone rigid and I imagine I have about 30 seconds before he shoves me off. 

After more like two seconds, he starts to try to wriggle away. I go dead-weight, pinning him down. "Felix," he complains. 

"Yeah?" I ask innocently.

"Let me up."

"But then you'll try to leave," I reason. 

"Yeah, that's the goal."

I whine, and he relaxes. So I relax too, thinking I won, but of course he was faking me out, and he jerks away, shoving me off the moment I let my guard down. 

He scrambles up into a sitting position and uses his legs to shove me back to my end of the couch.

"You almost kicked me in the balls," I complain. 

"Good," he says with a shrug, legs still extended to keep me at bay. "Don't fucking pin me down again and your balls will stay intact."

I sit up on the arm of the chair to get out of kicking range. "Well you _know_ I prefer when _you_ pin _me_ down, but you were so obsessed with _Flapjack,_ it's like you didn't even notice I was here!"

He raises his right hand to give me the middle finger, legs still stretched out and ready to kick if I come closer. "I'll take Captain Ka-Knuckles toe jam over your stupid face any day."

"You're like loving a pricker bush. Or a cat."

" _Stop saying that!"_

"That you're like a pricker bush? I've never even said that before!"

"Not _that_ , fuckwad."

"Oh," I say in a taunting voice, "that I _love_ you? Is my love _bothering_ you, Virgil?"

" _Fuck you._ "

I grit my teeth, starting to feel angry now. "You don't have to say it back, but I'd appreciate it if you could, like, refrain from taking a dump all over my emotions."

"Your emotions?" he says with an angry-sounding laugh. "You're lonely, and you didn't take any adderall today, did you?"

"What does _that_ have to do with anything?"

"So you didn't."

"I brought them, just...they make the diarrhea worse."

He scoffs. "Right. So you're lonely, sick, and not taking your regular meds that are, if I recall, _for_ your poor impulse control? You're not _in love_ with me, Felix! So stop saying it and fucking with _my_ emotions."

My eyes sting, which is unsurprising given my tendency to angry-cry. "Why is everything always happening _to you_ ? It's like you think I only have emotions to spite _you_."

"That's not what I'm saying."

"It is! It's like _you_ can have all these nice, genuine emotions, but _me_ ? _I'm_ never really _anything_ . I'm just lonely and hyperactive! Like you don't _believe anything I say_ ! I tell you I'm nervous about becoming, like, some official couple, and it's because I secretly want to plow all our _stupid_ podcast fans. I'm flattered by some fan messaging me, telling me I'm funny, so I _must_ be trying to hook up with her! _You_ didn't want to say we were fucking dating either until, like, two weeks ago, and I never thought it was because you wanted to be out slaying poon! I--I just--" I cut myself off, taking a few breaths. "Nothing, sorry, nevermind," I mumble. I feel my eye twitch. "Well, actually _do_ mind, maybe because I'm honestly kinda pissed off right now," I add because yeah, I am. 

Virgil's eyes are wide behind his glasses. "Oh."

" _Oh,_ " I mock. 

He throws his hands up in irritation. "Just, _fuck,_ gimme a minute to think, would ya?"

I slink back down onto the couch cushion and cross my arms over my chest, pouting. Which, maybe Virgil's right about me being a little childish. I mean, he never said so in those exact words, but I know that's what he thinks. That I'm, like, emotionally childish. That I make excuses to avoid anything, like, real. That I'm just sort of stumbling through life, or some shit. I fix my eyes on the television screen, sulking. "I _do_ have poor impulse control, and I'm maybe a little too eager for positive attention," I concede. "But I'm not an asshole, and I'm not _stupid_ . I'm capable of knowing when I love someone. And I'm not _lonely_. I mean, I've missed you and I've missed being able to see everyone else in-person, but I'm not, like, driven by unfathomable loneliness."

He doesn't respond and I'm too much of a pussy to look in his direction. 

Instead I slump into the couch, starting to get the appeal of just going limp and drowning out the real world with this weirdly-dark kids show. 

Several minutes pass before he says anything. "I was so drunk when I first came on to you. I, uh, I don't think I'd ever have done that sober."

I glance over at him. "Are you saying you regret it?"

"No, _no_ , I'm saying--" he sighs. "I mean, I guess I'm saying I'd never have done it sober because it seemed so _stupid_."

"Oh," I say, feeling confused. 

"Like, I thought you only liked girls."

I shrug. "I tend to prefer girls, I guess. But I prefer you over everyone, so…" 

"Huh."

"I mean, I assumed you preferred girls too, yeah?"

"I don't know."

"Oh." I shrug. "Well it doesn't really matter either way, I guess."

"I guess," Virgil agrees. "I don't think you, like, don't have emotions or something. Just that, ya know, you're often impulsive. And don't think too much about what you're saying." 

"That's fair," I concede. "But I'm not being impulsive about this. Or, maybe a little bit, but I still _mean_ it. Like that I love you. That I'm _in love_ with you."

He's quiet. 

"I'll stop saying it if it bothers you." 

"It doesn't _bother_ me, it's just--" He runs a hand through his hair. 

My phone vibrates, and we both ignore it. Eventually it stops, but it starts up again a few seconds later.

"You should probably answer that," Virgil says. 

“It’s Matt.”

“Oh.”

“He’s, uh, worried about you.”

He scoffs. “Worried? He’s fucking furious at me, I’m not an idiot.” He goes quiet. “You can answer it, just, I mean, don’t tell him you’re here.”

I turn my phone off, which will really piss Matt off, but whatever. “I’ll call him back later.” I reach for Virgil’s water to take a sip. 

“We’re in a literal pandemic,” he warns.

"You just let me put my face all up in your face. I'm sure we've exchanged our respective COVID strains already,” I argue, taking a drink before placing the glass back down. 

"I guess that's true," he mumbles. 

"Matt's been kind of bugging me lately. I mean, like," I groan. "Can I just be honest for a minute?"

"I'd prefer if you weren't."

Ignoring him, I move on. "This Bernie shit...I _like_ the guy, don't get me wrong. And it'd have been awesome if he won. Just, I don't know. What were we expecting from the DNC? And why does he think a third-party approach is for cranks?"

"I mean, because it is?"

"Isn't the whole electoral system for cranks? I mean, just because there's a lot of them doesn't mean they're not cranks! And most people don't even vote."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, this pandemic has Posadists making a whole lot of sense."

He snorts. "The nuclear bomb people?"

"Yeah, but see I'm tweaking it to be that communism can only be established after a plague." 

"That could work."

"You can be in the vanguard," I say, giving him a toothy grin. 

He rolls his eyes. "What an honor."

"It is. Hey, have you been more tired than normal?"

"Yeah, a little bit."

"I'm exhausted right now."

He tilts his head. "You can take a nap if you want."

I hesitate before I crawl over and lay my head in his lap. 

"I meant in my bed."

"This is comfier," I insist. 

He doesn't respond, back to pretending to be interested in the tv. After a while, I start to doze off. Right before I fall asleep, I feel Virgil start running his fingers through my hair. 

"I love you," a mumble happily. 

His fingers freeze for a moment before resuming their movement. "I, uh, I love you too Felix," he whispers. 


End file.
